We’ve spent hours scouring the internet together with top researchers from the NSA to bring you this week’s best Jewish tweets. And here they are.
Either way there was way too much fur.
Nosh like no one is saying Kaddish.
And you actually think it’s a “new” car…
I’d call him the average Shnorrer
We sure learned our lesson *trips over a box of nails*
Saw some better tweets? Think you’re funnier than all THESE amateurs? Let us know in the comments, below.
Three people were thrown into prison and four others found themselves on the operating table after the third Nachas Riot in ten days took place at the Sandy Hills Retirement Home.
It all started when Sadie Berkowitz took several minutes of her court-enforced allotted time to show off a photo album of her grandchildren when Morris Katz had enough.
“How many times do I have to hear about her son the rabbi?” said Katz. “You want I should have another hip replacement?”
Unable to contain himself, Katz tried to pry the album from Berkowitz’s hands and ripped a photo of Berkowitz’s grandson Casey Burke the world-famous proctologist in half. “Right up the Tuchis like my Boychik Casey would do,” sobbed Berkowitz.
Berkowitz’s best friend Hymie Salzman immediately leaped out of his seat and had a hernia. Luckily, in his fright he pooped out both kidney stones and he is currently in recovery.
However, Salzman’s neighbour, Yankev Lulever, rose from his wheelchair in a fury and rushed to defend Katz’s honour. He arrived at her seat three hours later. “It’s because of my walker,” said Lulever. “Besides, had Katz said one more word, just one more word – no, not even a word, a letter – had he said one more letter, I would have… Wait, what was I saying?”
Meanwhile, a scuffle took place next to the television, and a loud Nachas argument broke out in the hallway. Soon, everyone was shouting except Eva Wasserman, whose only son never got married and works as a security guard at a post office, the lazy bum.
Doris Shapiro thought she heard someone say something about her daughter’s potato Kugel recipe and rushed to defend it. “The secret to a good potato Kugel is to have callouses on your hands when you mush it and my Shoshi works in a butcher shop,” Kvelled Shapiro. “Oy, if you could taste that Kugel you would Khallish.”
After about an hour of mayhem, calm was finally restored when David Wasserman, the security guard at the post office next door, rushed in, pulled the combatants apart, and sang a Yiddish song to get everyone quiet.
“You know Ms. Wasserman, your son has a lovely voice,” mused Harvey Steinberg. “And you have a Shaina Punim.”
The police soon arrived to sort out the mess and return the fallen dentures into their rightful mouths. Everyone was reprimanded and several charges were laid (mostly by Steven Krausz, whose son is the well-known fancy schmancy lawyer and Mocher Dan “Chris” Cruz).
At least something good came of the Nachas Riot. Less than 20 minutes after the arrest, Eva Wasserman and Harvey Steinberg announced their engagement. “We’re getting married tomorrow,” said Steinberg. “What, you think we have all day to sit around and wait?”
By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer
Have you been living under a burqa? Well, all of us outside your Shabbat lamp are wondering if you’re actually an evil scientist who found a clever way to disguise the full body burns received while completing your nuclear fission bomb. Also, we’re all talking about a 19-year-old prima donna… no wait, I mean pre-Madonna named Justin Bieber who was arrested in Florida for driving under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and prescription drugs.
Whoa, hold on over there. Prescription drugs? I mean, if this kid has alcohol and marijuana, what kind of prescription drug could he possibly take that would be more than that combination? I mean what kind of idiot –
Oh, that. I didn’t think about Viagra.
Anyway, you must be thinking to yourself, how Jewish can a drinker, drug user, drag racer, and arrest resistor be? Luckily for you, the staff at Jewbellish did extensive research to uncover the facts about this boy’s heritage. Did we pull down his underpants to check? No ewww yuck you sick pervert, but we were still pretty invasive, if you know what we mean.
– For years he posted music videos of himself on YouTube for free! – minus-10 points. Seriously? For free?
– Today, he makes millions of dollars from the YouTube hits alone – 3 points for being ahead of the market
– His manager is a Jew whose parents are a dentist and an orthodontist – 5 wonderful Nachas points for the Mishpuche, minus-2 because what kind of Jewish dentist parent lets their son become a “talent manager?”
– He says Shema before each show – 10 big points
– He follows up on Shema with what sounds like “stung stung stung quack quack quack soup” – minus-5 but only because he probably doesn’t know which statement is gibberish
– He performed “Someday at Christmas” for Barack and Michelle Obama at the White House – 1 point because on the one hand it’s a Christmas song, BUT ON THE OTHER IT’S THE PRESIDENT!
– He released a 3D part biopic, part concert titled “Never say never” which earned more than 30 million dollars over the weekend – 2 points for Bieber fever
– In 2011, he was ranked #2 on Forbes’ best paid celebrities under 30 list – 5 uber-Jewish points
– He has more than 48 million followers on twitter – minus-5 points because even Moses didn’t have that many followers
– He once vomited dairy on stage mid concert – 3 points because he actually did it in order to immediately eat meat
– He dated Selena Gomez on and off for several years – minus-7 points for dating a Shikse
TOTAL JEWBELLISH SCORE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER: 2 POINTS
By Perry Prokopenko
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Jews are funny. On rare occasions, gentiles are funny too. Twitter is the best place for amateur comedians to try out their content. How can we not take all those free jokes?
Here, presented in original form, are the 5 funniest Jewish tweets from this past week, in the second edition of our new weekly feature: the top 5 Jewish tweets of the week.
Modern apocalyptic prophecies.
You now own a “Shonda.”
If you can smell burnt Gefilte fish, you may having a heart attack at a Bar Mitzvah.
Remember to write off your fruity meal.
Saw any other funny tweets? Let us know in the comments, below.
The creator of a popular new diet has been issued a notification of excommunication after Rabbis ruled that her dieting methods were “hedonistic and disgusting.”
Cheryl Mitchkoff is a food blogger who invented “the snowman diet: a healthier version of Atkins.” The diet encourages practitioners to eat a snowman every meal, and nothing else.
“Three snowmen a day equals zero calories,” gushed Mitchkoff from her padded room in the anorexic recovery centre of Oregon. “Well, unless if you use chocolate chips for eyes.”
Mitchkoff claims to have lost 100 pounds in four weeks. “The most difficult part was during the three days of sun,” she added, giving a weak thumbs up. “It was then that I decided to drive north and prowl.”
Rabbis were alerted when Corey Farbman, a 5-year-old child, woke his mother at 3:00 in the morning, sobbing in terror. “He told me that a monster was eating our snowman,” said Corey’s mother, Rachel. “I opened the window to show him that that he had been dreaming, and there was Mitchkoff, cannibalizing our snowman like a she-demon.”
Mrs. Farbman called her Rabbi, and soon discovered that many of her neighbours’ snowmen had also been eaten. “We found Harry – our sodomized snowman, in the Synagogue garden,” cried Mordechai Neinstein. “And there went our Minyan.” Neinstein later explained that the congregants of Beth Mazeltov Shabbat Shalom Abi Gezunt (a conglomeration of several reform Synagogues who merged in the 1930s) would often place a prayer-book in the snowman’s twigs and thus count him as the tenth man. “Now how will we say Kaddish? Who will be our tenth man?” Asked Neinstein before another problem dawned on him. “Wait, how will we say Kaddish for Harry?”
Mitchkoff was brought before the Council of Beardless Rabbis, who were outraged at her thievery. Rabbi Meshulem Rothsbrecher, a Rabbi known for his controversial ban on avocados (which he claimed “can psychologically traumatize a child for many years, when his mother tries to force him to eat some with his Gefilte fish”), was particularly furious. “A woman? Touching a – a man? EATING this man?” Shouted Rothsbrecher.
“What’s going to be next, marrying snowmen?” Added Rabbi David Schnorgelovitch. “I remember when this immoral society started, back when my ex-wife Phyllis lost my favourite pair of underpants in the ladies Mikveh!”
Rabbi Herz Van Hire, a Kabbalist, was so upset at the news that he decided to sit outside in the snow for three days. However, several days later his students discovered that Rabbi Van Hire’s fedora and long coat had been placed on a snowman, and the Rabbi was later spotted teaching in his Yeshiva with a severe tan.
However, Mitchoff asserts that there is nothing wrong with her snowphilia. “This is a white blood libel,” she claimed. “Nowhere does the Torah state that one may not eat snowmen. The only harm that ever came from eating snowmen is that one time when I ate a yellow torso and had diarrhea for a week.”
By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer