Jan
31
Released: Screengrab of Benjamin Netanyahu's email
Benjamin Netanyahu is a proud Jew, a certain 10 on our Jewish Meter. He is a strong defender of Israel, walks on the Sabbath, and his son is a former winner of the International Bible Quiz. And what a Mentsch! Oy, if only he were a doctor. And single.
Unfortunately, some of those BDS losers momentarily hacked into his email account and took several screengrabs of sensitive information (such as the secret recipe that gives Israeli Hummus a flavour unlike any other in the world). Those hackers have since disappeared, and the emails mysteriously found their way into the hands of the Mossad.
Luckily, a Mossad agent leaked one of the screen grabs to one of the Jewbellish staff.
After several intense staff meetings, we finally beat him into submission and managed to procure this priceless screen grab, presented for the first time to our Jewbellish readers. Share the email, before it’s mysteriously taken down.
NOTE: To see the image in full size, click here.
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By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish Staff Writer
Special thanks to Anne Franco
Jan
15
Jews and Auto-Correct
Auto-correct was invented without the Jewish tongue in mind. Here is a classic auto-correct Jewish horror story. Try to figure out what the words were before the auto-correct kicked in. (Answers at the end.)
The Legend of the Auto-Corrected Shabby Speech
Recently, Moshe Lefkowitz, the Rabbi of a small town in southern California, had to take a leave of absence after an unfortunate Mohel hazing incident, and sent his loyal congregants his weekly Shabbat speech by email using his lawyer’s iPhone. Unfortunately, in his haste, he forgot to turn off the auto-correct, and the following D’var Torah was read during the weekly Kiddush:
Stabbed salmon (1),
As you sit there enjoying your fertile (2) fish and cholesterol (3), allow me to share a few words with you from this week’s parrish (4), the Torah portion of catfish lach (5).
This week, we read about a dramatic encounter between Esau and brother tacos (6). Esau was a bit of a schnitzel (7) who wanted some of taco’s cholesterol. A question is asked by the holy radio (8), what was so great about a bowl of flies hog (9) that Esau was willing to give up his right as the firstborn son of its chalk (10) and Rebecca?
This reminds me of the time my shiver (11) told me that it’s my fault the children aren’t giving her nachos (12). I told that nudist (13) to go kitchen touches (14)!
Where was I? I’m all far clementine (15).
Ah, yes. Esau and tacos, and the question of why he would want to dress (16) a bowl of cholesterol over his rights as a firstborn?
And the answer lies in the book of Koran (17), where we see a man who thinks he’s a big moocher (18) and knows he’s in the wrong still face the wrath of hashed (19) for a few moments of experiencing the pleasure of power. What a masseur! (20)
As you sit there on your touches, ask yourself: would I rather eat cholesterol or do I want to be like tacos and value a bowl of flies hog like its bubbles? (21)
Your Rabbi,
Mouse Leftovers (22)
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1 = Shabbat Shalom
2 = Gefilte
3 = Cholent
4 = Parsha
5 = Vayishlach
6 = Yaacov
7 = Schnorrer
8 = Rashi
9 = Fleishig
10 = Itzchak
11 = Shviger
12 = Nachas
13 = Nudnik
14 = Kishen Tuchis
15 = Farklempt
16 = Fress
17 = Korach
18 = Mocher
19 = Hashem
20 = Mamzer
21 = Bubkis
22 = Moshe Lefkowitz
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By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish staff writer
Photo by Andy Myrick
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