Authorities Kvell Nachas Riot

Three people were thrown into prison and four others found themselves on the operating table after the third Nachas Riot in ten days took place at the Sandy Hills Retirement Home.

It all started when Sadie Berkowitz took several minutes of her court-enforced allotted time to show off a photo album of her grandchildren when Morris Katz had enough.

“How many times do I have to hear about her son the rabbi?” said Katz. “You want I should have another hip replacement?”

Unable to contain himself, Katz tried to pry the album from Berkowitz’s hands and ripped a photo of Berkowitz’s grandson Casey Burke the world-famous proctologist in half. “Right up the Tuchis like my Boychik Casey would do,” sobbed Berkowitz.

Berkowitz’s best friend Hymie Salzman immediately leaped out of his seat and had a hernia. Luckily, in his fright he pooped out both kidney stones and he is currently in recovery.

However, Salzman’s neighbour, Yankev Lulever, rose from his wheelchair in a fury and rushed to defend Katz’s honour. He arrived at her seat three hours later. “It’s because of my walker,” said Lulever. “Besides, had Katz said one more word, just one more word – no, not even a word, a letter – had he said one more letter, I would have… Wait, what was I saying?”

Meanwhile, a scuffle took place next to the television, and a loud Nachas argument broke out in the hallway. Soon, everyone was shouting except Eva Wasserman, whose only son never got married and works as a security guard at a post office, the lazy bum.

Doris Shapiro thought she heard someone say something about her daughter’s potato Kugel recipe and rushed to defend it. “The secret to a good potato Kugel is to have callouses on your hands when you mush it and my Shoshi works in a butcher shop,” Kvelled Shapiro. “Oy, if you could taste that Kugel you would Khallish.”

After about an hour of mayhem, calm was finally restored when David Wasserman, the security guard at the post office next door, rushed in, pulled the combatants apart, and sang a Yiddish song to get everyone quiet.

“You know Ms. Wasserman, your son has a lovely voice,” mused Harvey Steinberg. “And you have a Shaina Punim.”

The police soon arrived to sort out the mess and return the fallen dentures into their rightful mouths. Everyone was reprimanded and several charges were laid (mostly by Steven Krausz, whose son is the well-known fancy schmancy lawyer and Mocher Dan “Chris” Cruz).

At least something good came of the Nachas Riot. Less than 20 minutes after the arrest, Eva Wasserman and Harvey Steinberg announced their engagement. “We’re getting married tomorrow,” said Steinberg. “What, you think we have all day to sit around and wait?”


By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer