Category Archives: Jewish Meter

Talk Yiddish To Me (Nisht-Dirty Parody)

Jason Derulo took a sweet Yiddish melody for his recent hit. Jewbellish took it back.


Bubby: Jewbellish? Ha ha…

Jewbellish with me
I’m that type with a prayer shawl
Sway side to side
First-class style with my swag, ya’ll
Is Jewish pride
Cuz I, I know what them curls need
Monroe to Monsey
Got fishstick stains on my passport
It’s bubby’s recipe
Been around the world, they don’t speak my language
But your bubby don’t need explainin’
All I need you to understand is
Will. You. Talk Yiddish to me?
Talk Yiddish to me
איינצ – וואס מאכסט א איד
צוויי – וואס טוט זיך מיר
דריי – קים אריין
And talk Yiddish to me
Ya, Talk Yiddish to me
איינצ צוויי דריי

קים אריין אין מיין הויז – מי גייט אויף א שפאציר

וואטש דיין שטריימעל – צו גייסט צוברעכן מיין טיר
איך האב א גיטע טשולענט פאר די עולם צו עסן
מיר ברענגט נישט דיין באבע זי גייט אלעס פרעסן
מיין באבע רעדט אידיש און מיין טאטע אויך
די ערשטע ווארט איך האב געלערנט איז א גוטע וואך
איך האב נישט סתם א מיני ווען
ס’קומט פולי לודעד מיט א בעק אפ קאם
דו, דו ביסט, דו ביסט א יאץ
און דיינע ברידער איז א קלאץ
דו, דו ביסט, דו ביסט א פערד
און דיינע מוטער האט א בערד
Free Translation of Yiddish:
Welcome to my crib, let’s go for a stroll
Watch that streimel (alt: hat), you gonna break my door
I have good cholent (alt: stew) for my homies to eat
Don’t bring your bubby (alt: grandma), she’s gonna down it all
My bubby talks Yiddish and my dad does too
The first phrase that I learned was “have a good week” (alt: get a life)
I don’t just have a regular minivan
It comes fully loaded with a back-up cam
You, You are a yutz
And your brother is a klutz
You, You are a horse
And your mother has a beard
Oy yoy yoy yoy, oyoyoyoyoy….
Talk Yiddish to me!
Bubby: What? I don’t understand
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How Jewish is Scarlett Johansson?

Scarlett Johansson is one Jew we are proud of. She recently quit her role as Oxfam ambassador due to their heavy criticism of SodaStream, an Israeli company located in settlements that actually employs Palestinians.

This would automatically guarantee Johansson’s Jewishness, but we delved a little deeper and here is what we found.

Her mother is an Ashkenazi Jew from the Bronx who fights for ethics and responsibility in Washington – 3 points

Melanie Sloan

Her grandmother speaks Yiddish and she observes Shabbat, Hanukkah, and Passover – 4 points

She is the new SodaStream ambassador, and in true Sabra fashion, takes a punch at Coke and Pepsi – 1 point

When Tom Cruise tried to convince her to become a Scientologist, she reportedly excused herself and walked out – 2 points


Conclusion: Scarlett Johansson is 100% Jewish, and a definite 10!




By JewBellish staff writer Perry Prokopenko

Related: How Jewish is Justin Bieber?

Related: How Jewish is David Arquette?

Related: How Jewish is the royal baby?


How Jewish is Justin Bieber?

Have you been living under a burqa? Well, all of us outside your Shabbat lamp are wondering if you’re actually an evil scientist who found a clever way to disguise the full body burns received while completing your nuclear fission bomb. Also, we’re all talking about a 19-year-old prima donna… no wait, I mean pre-Madonna named Justin Bieber who was arrested in Florida for driving under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and prescription drugs.

Whoa, hold on over there. Prescription drugs? I mean, if this kid has alcohol and marijuana, what kind of prescription drug could he possibly take that would be more than that combination? I mean what kind of idiot –

Oh, that. I didn’t think about Viagra.

Anyway, you must be thinking to yourself, how Jewish can a drinker, drug user, drag racer, and arrest resistor be? Luckily for you, the staff at Jewbellish did extensive research to uncover the facts about this boy’s heritage. Did we pull down his underpants to check? No ewww yuck you sick pervert, but we were still pretty invasive, if you know what we mean.

– For years he posted music videos of himself on YouTube for free! – minus-10 points. Seriously? For free?

– Today, he makes millions of dollars from the YouTube hits alone – 3 points for being ahead of the market

– His manager is a Jew whose parents are a dentist and an orthodontist – 5 wonderful Nachas points for the Mishpuche, minus-2 because what kind of Jewish dentist parent lets their son become a “talent manager?”

– He says Shema before each show – 10 big points

– He follows up on Shema with what sounds like “stung stung stung quack quack quack soup” – minus-5 but only because he probably doesn’t know which statement is gibberish

– He performed “Someday at Christmas” for Barack and Michelle Obama at the White House – 1 point because on the one hand it’s a Christmas song, BUT ON THE OTHER IT’S THE PRESIDENT!

– He released a 3D part biopic, part concert titled “Never say never” which earned more than 30 million dollars over the weekend – 2 points for Bieber fever

– In 2011, he was ranked #2 on Forbes’ best paid celebrities under 30 list – 5 uber-Jewish points

– He has more than 48 million followers on twitter – minus-5 points because even Moses didn’t have that many followers

– He once vomited dairy on stage mid concert – 3 points because he actually did it in order to immediately eat meat

– He dated Selena Gomez on and off for several years – minus-7 points for dating a Shikse


By Perry Prokopenko

Justin wears it pretty well. We're a belieber.
We are Beliebers.

Related: How Jewish is David Arquette?

Related: How Jewish is the royal baby?