Where have we heard this before?
Ah, yes. The Jewish Winter Olympics.
I know what you’re thinking. “Jews? Sports? OLYMPICS?”
Yes. It is a historical fact that in 1986 the world’s only Jewish Winter Olympics took place in Anatevka, Russia. And it was a sensational disaster. During the opening ceremony, the near-sighted athlete carrying the Olympic torch mistakenly thought a tree was a Menorah and he lit it on fire. That is how the famed Uzbekistan forest became the desert it is today.
The competition featured some classic olympic challenges, as well as some uniquely Jewish ones. Let’s break down the competition and how the Olympians fared.
Trodging (a.k.a. walking two miles in the snow)
The opening game of the Jewish Winter Olympics featured every Olympian walking two miles in the snow. The finish line was the front doors of a school, where their principal “whipped them back into shape.”
The gold medal went to the Ethiopian team, who were more excited about seeing a school.
Schlopping (a.k.a. breaking ice for a Mikveh)
Contestants had to hop around stark naked armed with only a pickaxe, and cut a hole in the foot-thick ice, then climb in and perform the ritual immersion three times. A Rabbi standing on the side would then shout “KOSHER” and eat a frozen bagel with lox.
Chaye Soreh Grendelwald of Yakutsk, Siberia won the gold medal. Following her victory, she announced that “all grandmothers the world over were a part of my win, and carry the obligation of pretending that they had broken a hole in the ice to go to the Mikveh!”
Kveezing (a.k.a. Kvetching about the cold)
This event featured athletes who were so competitive, that they continued Kveezing even after their medals were awarded. Matter of fact, some of them Kveezed all through the entire winter Olympics, and one athlete, the gifted Kveezer Sholem Ber Bloomingpants of Hungary, Kveezed so much that the KGB sent him to perform manual labor in the South Pole. Unfortunately, Bloomingpants was a Lubavitcher, and instead of languishing in the tundra, he opened “a vibrant Synagogue and youth program” in Chabad of the Antarctic.
Plonking (a.k.a. fixing galoshes)
No, this wasn’t an Olympic event. Everyone’s galoshes needed fixing, because that’s all Jews did in Soviet Russia in the 80s. Wear galoshes. And fix galoshes.
The good old days.
Team USA sent their Hasidic team from Boro Park. Five sleek, bearded men. All bespectacled, and slightly hunched over. Their wives had packed tuna sandwiches, and they had brought their own custom bobsled (or as they preferred to call it, Baruchsled). The back of the bobsled was fitted with two double strollers, three carseats were stuffed into the middle of the bobsled, and a Hatzolah siren outfitted on its front.
The Hasidic team were on their way to setting a world record for speed, when one of their fur hats was swallowed by a starving Russian eagle. Toward the end of the run, a Hasidic spectator suffering from amnesia threw a rock at their Baruchsled, mistakenly thinking they were driving on Shabbes.
Instead, the gold medal was awarded to the Israeli team led by Nimrod Atari, a former Tzahal Air Force pilot, who sped through to the finish line. Unfortunately, his instincts also kicked in, and he rained missiles all over the track on his way down, disqualifying all the other teams and spraying several snowflakes on spectator Gloria Goldstein’s Gefilte fish spread. Ms Goldstein got her money back.
Team Russia put up a strong fight, sending a group of Jewish housewives with experience cleaning for Passover. They swept the entire curling arena in a matter of minutes, and then shouted at their children for walking across the curling sheet in muddy shoes.
Instead, Team Canada collected gold, after sending a team of Jewish Accountants who spent hours figuring out exact angles and sums before each slide. They later apologized for the win.
The ice hockey competition was cancelled after an unfortunate incident when a group of Jews crosschecked a man and nailed him to the boards.
A new world record was set in the speed skating competition when Russian athlete Yakov Lulov heard that the KGB had rung his doorbell. He skated so fast that he landed in Brooklyn, New York, where he subsequently became a taxi driver/rocket engineer.
The Hasidic team from Boro Park opened the ceremony with a moving performance to the song “Moshiach Moshiach Moshiach” where they danced in a circle for an hour. They were followed by the Israeli team, who performed a Hora to the tune of “Hava Nagilah.”
The winner of the gold medal, however, was the Canadian team, who lifted a Bar Mitzvah boy on a chair for 12 minutes to the tune of Madonna’s “like a virgin.” Spectators were encouraged to throw candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy.
Are you crazy? You want me to get killed?
This spectacular event was won by a non-athlete. Musician Berl Gatkiss was innocently playing his fiddle on the roof of his hut when a slight breeze knocked over the frail Jew. He slid all the way down the mountain and was awarded the gold medal. When asked what he plans on doing with the medal, he responded, “marry off my three daughters, who are all single.”
The Biathlon is the toughest challenge of the Winter Olympics, wherein athletes must race on skis to platforms while carrying rifles, after which they must shoot down five targets.
Wladislaw Wruwrewczwewczky of Chelm, Poland took a quick lead in the cross country ski race after which he continued past the finish line and got shot in the face by a fellow Pole from Chelm.
The Iranian team were disqualified from the Biathlon after it was discovered that their guns had been upgraded to shoot heat-seeking SCUD missiles. Not one of their missiles hit a target.
The Jewish Winter Olympics closed with a magnificent performance by “Delilah Schwartzman,” dressed provocatively atop a mountain. However, her clothing infuriated the American Hasidim, who shoved her into a luge mid-performance, and sent her racing down the luge run, which featured some sloppy handiwork. Instead of speeding to the bottom of the mountain, she hit a large bump and sailed all the way over into a nuclear reactor near the town of Chernobyl.
And that was the first and last time anyone ever heard of a “Jewish winter Olympian.”
By Yaakov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer
Three people were thrown into prison and four others found themselves on the operating table after the third Nachas Riot in ten days took place at the Sandy Hills Retirement Home.
It all started when Sadie Berkowitz took several minutes of her court-enforced allotted time to show off a photo album of her grandchildren when Morris Katz had enough.
“How many times do I have to hear about her son the rabbi?” said Katz. “You want I should have another hip replacement?”
Unable to contain himself, Katz tried to pry the album from Berkowitz’s hands and ripped a photo of Berkowitz’s grandson Casey Burke the world-famous proctologist in half. “Right up the Tuchis like my Boychik Casey would do,” sobbed Berkowitz.
Berkowitz’s best friend Hymie Salzman immediately leaped out of his seat and had a hernia. Luckily, in his fright he pooped out both kidney stones and he is currently in recovery.
However, Salzman’s neighbour, Yankev Lulever, rose from his wheelchair in a fury and rushed to defend Katz’s honour. He arrived at her seat three hours later. “It’s because of my walker,” said Lulever. “Besides, had Katz said one more word, just one more word – no, not even a word, a letter – had he said one more letter, I would have… Wait, what was I saying?”
Meanwhile, a scuffle took place next to the television, and a loud Nachas argument broke out in the hallway. Soon, everyone was shouting except Eva Wasserman, whose only son never got married and works as a security guard at a post office, the lazy bum.
Doris Shapiro thought she heard someone say something about her daughter’s potato Kugel recipe and rushed to defend it. “The secret to a good potato Kugel is to have callouses on your hands when you mush it and my Shoshi works in a butcher shop,” Kvelled Shapiro. “Oy, if you could taste that Kugel you would Khallish.”
After about an hour of mayhem, calm was finally restored when David Wasserman, the security guard at the post office next door, rushed in, pulled the combatants apart, and sang a Yiddish song to get everyone quiet.
“You know Ms. Wasserman, your son has a lovely voice,” mused Harvey Steinberg. “And you have a Shaina Punim.”
The police soon arrived to sort out the mess and return the fallen dentures into their rightful mouths. Everyone was reprimanded and several charges were laid (mostly by Steven Krausz, whose son is the well-known fancy schmancy lawyer and Mocher Dan “Chris” Cruz).
At least something good came of the Nachas Riot. Less than 20 minutes after the arrest, Eva Wasserman and Harvey Steinberg announced their engagement. “We’re getting married tomorrow,” said Steinberg. “What, you think we have all day to sit around and wait?”
By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer
The creator of a popular new diet has been issued a notification of excommunication after Rabbis ruled that her dieting methods were “hedonistic and disgusting.”
Cheryl Mitchkoff is a food blogger who invented “the snowman diet: a healthier version of Atkins.” The diet encourages practitioners to eat a snowman every meal, and nothing else.
“Three snowmen a day equals zero calories,” gushed Mitchkoff from her padded room in the anorexic recovery centre of Oregon. “Well, unless if you use chocolate chips for eyes.”
Mitchkoff claims to have lost 100 pounds in four weeks. “The most difficult part was during the three days of sun,” she added, giving a weak thumbs up. “It was then that I decided to drive north and prowl.”
Rabbis were alerted when Corey Farbman, a 5-year-old child, woke his mother at 3:00 in the morning, sobbing in terror. “He told me that a monster was eating our snowman,” said Corey’s mother, Rachel. “I opened the window to show him that that he had been dreaming, and there was Mitchkoff, cannibalizing our snowman like a she-demon.”
Mrs. Farbman called her Rabbi, and soon discovered that many of her neighbours’ snowmen had also been eaten. “We found Harry – our sodomized snowman, in the Synagogue garden,” cried Mordechai Neinstein. “And there went our Minyan.” Neinstein later explained that the congregants of Beth Mazeltov Shabbat Shalom Abi Gezunt (a conglomeration of several reform Synagogues who merged in the 1930s) would often place a prayer-book in the snowman’s twigs and thus count him as the tenth man. “Now how will we say Kaddish? Who will be our tenth man?” Asked Neinstein before another problem dawned on him. “Wait, how will we say Kaddish for Harry?”
Mitchkoff was brought before the Council of Beardless Rabbis, who were outraged at her thievery. Rabbi Meshulem Rothsbrecher, a Rabbi known for his controversial ban on avocados (which he claimed “can psychologically traumatize a child for many years, when his mother tries to force him to eat some with his Gefilte fish”), was particularly furious. “A woman? Touching a – a man? EATING this man?” Shouted Rothsbrecher.
“What’s going to be next, marrying snowmen?” Added Rabbi David Schnorgelovitch. “I remember when this immoral society started, back when my ex-wife Phyllis lost my favourite pair of underpants in the ladies Mikveh!”
Rabbi Herz Van Hire, a Kabbalist, was so upset at the news that he decided to sit outside in the snow for three days. However, several days later his students discovered that Rabbi Van Hire’s fedora and long coat had been placed on a snowman, and the Rabbi was later spotted teaching in his Yeshiva with a severe tan.
However, Mitchoff asserts that there is nothing wrong with her snowphilia. “This is a white blood libel,” she claimed. “Nowhere does the Torah state that one may not eat snowmen. The only harm that ever came from eating snowmen is that one time when I ate a yellow torso and had diarrhea for a week.”
By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer