Rabbis excommunicate dieting woman

1/19/2014 Mendy

The creator of a popular new diet has been issued a notification of excommunication after Rabbis ruled that her dieting methods were “hedonistic and disgusting.”

Cheryl Mitchkoff is a food blogger who invented “the snowman diet: a healthier version of Atkins.” The diet encourages practitioners to eat a snowman every meal, and nothing else.

“Three snowmen a day equals zero calories,” gushed Mitchkoff from her padded room in the anorexic recovery centre of Oregon. “Well, unless if you use chocolate chips for eyes.”

Mitchkoff claims to have lost 100 pounds in four weeks. “The most difficult part was during the three days of sun,” she added, giving a weak thumbs up. “It was then that I decided to drive north and prowl.”

Rabbis were alerted when Corey Farbman, a 5-year-old child, woke his mother at 3:00 in the morning, sobbing in terror. “He told me that a monster was eating our snowman,” said Corey’s mother, Rachel. “I opened the window to show him that that he had been dreaming, and there was Mitchkoff, cannibalizing our snowman like a she-demon.”

Mrs. Farbman called her Rabbi, and soon discovered that many of her neighbours’ snowmen had also been eaten. “We found Harry – our sodomized snowman, in the Synagogue garden,” cried Mordechai Neinstein. “And there went our Minyan.” Neinstein later explained that the congregants of Beth Mazeltov Shabbat Shalom Abi Gezunt (a conglomeration of several reform Synagogues who merged in the 1930s) would often place a prayer-book in the snowman’s twigs and thus count him as the tenth man. “Now how will we say Kaddish? Who will be our tenth man?” Asked Neinstein before another problem dawned on him. “Wait, how will we say Kaddish for Harry?”

Mitchkoff was brought before the Council of Beardless Rabbis, who were outraged at her thievery. Rabbi Meshulem Rothsbrecher, a Rabbi known for his controversial ban on avocados (which he claimed “can psychologically traumatize a child for many years, when his mother tries to force him to eat some with his Gefilte fish”), was particularly furious. “A woman? Touching a – a man? EATING this man?” Shouted Rothsbrecher.

“What’s going to be next, marrying snowmen?” Added Rabbi David Schnorgelovitch. “I remember when this immoral society started, back when my ex-wife Phyllis lost my favourite pair of underpants in the ladies Mikveh!”

Rabbi Herz Van Hire, a Kabbalist, was so upset at the news that he decided to sit outside in the snow for three days. However, several days later his students discovered that Rabbi Van Hire’s fedora and long coat had been placed on a snowman, and the Rabbi was later spotted teaching in his Yeshiva with a severe tan.

However, Mitchoff asserts that there is nothing wrong with her snowphilia. “This is a white blood libel,” she claimed. “Nowhere does the Torah state that one may not eat snowmen. The only harm that ever came from eating snowmen is that one time when I ate a yellow torso and had diarrhea for a week.”

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By Yaacov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer

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How Jewish is David Arquette?

1/16/2014 Mendy

What? you don’t know who David Arquette is?

He’s the guy who was married to Courtney Cox. Remember Courtney Cox Arquette? No? Does this toggle your memory?

Excellent. Now that we’ve established who he is, let’s find out how Jewish he is.

– His Dad was a Christian who converted to Islam – minus-10 points

– His mother was a Jew – 5 points

– He married a Gentile – minus-10 points

– The Gentile was Courtney Cox – 5 points

– He survived multiple stabbings as Deputy Dewey Riley in the Scream series – 4 points for Jewish survival instincts

– He won the WCW’s world heavyweight championship with a signature move called the “worm” – minus-7 for wrestling, 2 points for the name of his signature move

– Jennifer Aniston is his daughter’s godmother – 6 points for the kvelling

– His ex-wife is a shikse, but was a nice Jewish girl in “Friends” – 1 point for teaching her about bagels and cream cheese

– He had a Bar Mitzvah at the western wall – Only 6 points because he was 28 years too late

– He just ordered his own pair of Tefillin and took the following photo with them – 1 point because he forgot to put them on

TOTAL JEWBELLISH SCORE FOR DAVID ARQUETTE: 3 POINTS

By Perry Prokopenko
Photo Credit: Judaica Creations

Related: How Jewish is the royal baby?

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Jews and Auto-Correct

1/15/2014 Mendy

Auto-correct was invented without the Jewish tongue in mind. Here is a classic auto-correct Jewish horror story. Try to figure out what the words were before the auto-correct kicked in. (Answers at the end.)

The Legend of the Auto-Corrected Shabby Speech

Recently, Moshe Lefkowitz, the Rabbi of a small town in southern California, had to take a leave of absence after an unfortunate Mohel hazing incident, and sent his loyal congregants his weekly Shabbat speech by email using his lawyer’s iPhone. Unfortunately, in his haste, he forgot to turn off the auto-correct, and the following D’var Torah was read during the weekly Kiddush:

Stabbed salmon (1),

As you sit there enjoying your fertile (2) fish and cholesterol (3), allow me to share a few words with you from this week’s parrish (4), the Torah portion of catfish lach (5).

This week, we read about a dramatic encounter between Esau and brother tacos (6). Esau was a bit of a schnitzel (7) who wanted some of taco’s cholesterol. A question is asked by the holy radio (8), what was so great about a bowl of flies hog (9) that Esau was willing to give up his right as the firstborn son of its chalk (10) and Rebecca?

This reminds me of the time my shiver (11) told me that it’s my fault the children aren’t giving her nachos (12). I told that nudist (13) to go kitchen touches (14)!

Where was I? I’m all far clementine (15).

Ah, yes. Esau and tacos, and the question of why he would want to dress (16) a bowl of cholesterol over his rights as a firstborn?

And the answer lies in the book of Koran (17), where we see a man who thinks he’s a big moocher (18) and knows he’s in the wrong still face the wrath of hashed (19) for a few moments of experiencing the pleasure of power. What a masseur! (20)

As you sit there on your touches, ask yourself: would I rather eat cholesterol or do I want to be like tacos and value a bowl of flies hog like its bubbles? (21)

Your Rabbi,

Mouse Leftovers (22)

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1 = Shabbat Shalom

2 = Gefilte

3 = Cholent

4 = Parsha

5 = Vayishlach

6 = Yaacov

7 = Schnorrer

8 = Rashi

9 = Fleishig

10 = Itzchak

11 = Shviger

12 = Nachas

13 = Nudnik

14 = Kishen Tuchis

15 = Farklempt

16 = Fress

17 = Korach

18 = Mocher

19 = Hashem

20 = Mamzer

21 = Bubkis

22 = Moshe Lefkowitz

———————-

By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish staff writer

Photo by Andy Myrick

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Obama Has A Jewish Brother – Literally

1/14/2014 Mendy

President Barack Obama’s Jewbellish score just went up one point. Israel Today is reporting that the president’s brother-from-another-mother (literally) is Jewish. I guess no gentile family is perfect 😉

Israel Today:

Barak Obama’s autobiography seems to be as complex as the president himself. Tzach Yoked, writing in Maariv this week, exposed to Israelis, perhaps for the first time, that among the American president’s eight half-brothers is one, Mark Obama Ndesandjo, who is Jewish.

Obama’s father had four wives – two Kenyan-born women and two white American women, the Christian mother of Barak Obama, Ann Duham, and the Jewish Mother of Mark Obama, Ruth Baker. Ruth was born to a Jewish family that immigrated to the United States from Lithuania. She married Obama Sr. in 1964 and moved to Kenya. Ruth divorced her husband after seven years of abusive marriage.

Though by no means religious, Mark Obama is proud of his Jewish identity. “My mother is a liberal person who did not keep the religious rituals,” he said. “However, she always taught me to be proud of the fact that I am Jewish … as far as I am concerned, the main aspect of my Jewish identity does not stem from performing the religious rituals and prayers, but out of a strong sense that I am Jewish. It is something that you simply feel, a strong sense of secular Jewish identity that my mother gave me … she is the woman who taught me what’s important in life, who helped me to understand Torah, taught me music, helped me with my studies.”

Mark Obama recounts that contrary to what President Obama has said, they first met in 1988, and not in 2007. Asked why the president hadn’t told the truth about their meeting, the Jewish sibling said his older brother was probably ill-advised by political advisers. Nevertheless, it would seem that Mark adores Barack, even though, as he claims, the president has failed to be in touch with his brother for several months now.

Mark Obama went on to marry Liu Xuehua and has been living in China for the last 12 years. He is an accomplished pianist and published the semi-autobiographical novel “Nairobi to Shenzhen: A Novel of Love in the East.”

Mark, who has adopted China as his home country, is a vivid testimony of the complexity of Jewish identity. Born to a black Muslim father and a white Jewish mother, raised in Kenya but educated in the United States, half-brother to a president whose own religious identity is far from clear, Mark Obama is no less Jewish than any other child born to a Jewish mother. If anything, he well represents the crisis of secular Judaism.

This form of Judaism, as can be found also in Israel, wants to maintain Jewish identity apart from the Jewish faith. In America, where society is overwhelmingly non-Jewish, secular Judaism is on the decline due to a high rate of intermarriage. If anything can be learned from it is, as Israeli President Shimon Peres said just recently, that as far as Jews are concerned, state and religion cannot be separated.

Tweets

The top 5 Jewish tweets of the week

1/14/2014 Mendy

Jews are funny. On rare occasions, gentiles are funny too. Twitter is the best place for amateur comedians to try out their content. How can we not take all those free jokes?

Here, presented in original form, are the 5 funniest Jewish tweets from this past week, in our new weekly feature: the top 5 Jewish tweets of the week.

WHY ARE YOU REHEARSING???

We finally understand the meaning of Hulkamania.

He doesn’t roll on Shabbat.

Give a Jew a fish, and he’ll bring it back with a carrot on top.

“The point is not to worry, Christie. Not to worry.” – Rob Ford

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Now it’s your turn to Kvetch in the comments section about your “better” version of these jokes, or to kvell about your grandchild finally achieving SOMETHING in his/her life by making it onto this list.