It’s Twitter Tuesday! Here are the five funniest Jewish tweets of the week, as selected by a panel of Alter Kockers.
Each Rabbi eventually succumbed to the pressure, and brought a suitcase full of knitted sweaters.
AKA the day we were forced to drink an entire bottle of milk.
This would be known as the “plague of darkness.”
They are only being pressured by all their neighbors who asking about you. I mean seriously, WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG??? YOUR COUSIN SHIRLEY IS ALREADY TRAINING HER DAUGHTER FOR A BAT MITZVAH!
What rhymes with Tuchiss?
Scarlett Johansson is one Jew we are proud of. She recently quit her role as Oxfam ambassador due to their heavy criticism of SodaStream, an Israeli company located in settlements that actually employs Palestinians.
This would automatically guarantee Johansson’s Jewishness, but we delved a little deeper and here is what we found.
Her mother is an Ashkenazi Jew from the Bronx who fights for ethics and responsibility in Washington – 3 points
Her grandmother speaks Yiddish and she observes Shabbat, Hanukkah, and Passover – 4 points
She is the new SodaStream ambassador, and in true Sabra fashion, takes a punch at Coke and Pepsi – 1 point
When Tom Cruise tried to convince her to become a Scientologist, she reportedly excused herself and walked out – 2 points
Conclusion: Scarlett Johansson is 100% Jewish, and a definite 10!
By JewBellish staff writer Perry Prokopenko
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Where have we heard this before?
Ah, yes. The Jewish Winter Olympics.
I know what you’re thinking. “Jews? Sports? OLYMPICS?”
Yes. It is a historical fact that in 1986 the world’s only Jewish Winter Olympics took place in Anatevka, Russia. And it was a sensational disaster. During the opening ceremony, the near-sighted athlete carrying the Olympic torch mistakenly thought a tree was a Menorah and he lit it on fire. That is how the famed Uzbekistan forest became the desert it is today.
The competition featured some classic olympic challenges, as well as some uniquely Jewish ones. Let’s break down the competition and how the Olympians fared.
Trodging (a.k.a. walking two miles in the snow)
The opening game of the Jewish Winter Olympics featured every Olympian walking two miles in the snow. The finish line was the front doors of a school, where their principal “whipped them back into shape.”
The gold medal went to the Ethiopian team, who were more excited about seeing a school.
Schlopping (a.k.a. breaking ice for a Mikveh)
Contestants had to hop around stark naked armed with only a pickaxe, and cut a hole in the foot-thick ice, then climb in and perform the ritual immersion three times. A Rabbi standing on the side would then shout “KOSHER” and eat a frozen bagel with lox.
Chaye Soreh Grendelwald of Yakutsk, Siberia won the gold medal. Following her victory, she announced that “all grandmothers the world over were a part of my win, and carry the obligation of pretending that they had broken a hole in the ice to go to the Mikveh!”
Kveezing (a.k.a. Kvetching about the cold)
This event featured athletes who were so competitive, that they continued Kveezing even after their medals were awarded. Matter of fact, some of them Kveezed all through the entire winter Olympics, and one athlete, the gifted Kveezer Sholem Ber Bloomingpants of Hungary, Kveezed so much that the KGB sent him to perform manual labor in the South Pole. Unfortunately, Bloomingpants was a Lubavitcher, and instead of languishing in the tundra, he opened “a vibrant Synagogue and youth program” in Chabad of the Antarctic.
Plonking (a.k.a. fixing galoshes)
No, this wasn’t an Olympic event. Everyone’s galoshes needed fixing, because that’s all Jews did in Soviet Russia in the 80s. Wear galoshes. And fix galoshes.
The good old days.
Team USA sent their Hasidic team from Boro Park. Five sleek, bearded men. All bespectacled, and slightly hunched over. Their wives had packed tuna sandwiches, and they had brought their own custom bobsled (or as they preferred to call it, Baruchsled). The back of the bobsled was fitted with two double strollers, three carseats were stuffed into the middle of the bobsled, and a Hatzolah siren outfitted on its front.
The Hasidic team were on their way to setting a world record for speed, when one of their fur hats was swallowed by a starving Russian eagle. Toward the end of the run, a Hasidic spectator suffering from amnesia threw a rock at their Baruchsled, mistakenly thinking they were driving on Shabbes.
Instead, the gold medal was awarded to the Israeli team led by Nimrod Atari, a former Tzahal Air Force pilot, who sped through to the finish line. Unfortunately, his instincts also kicked in, and he rained missiles all over the track on his way down, disqualifying all the other teams and spraying several snowflakes on spectator Gloria Goldstein’s Gefilte fish spread. Ms Goldstein got her money back.
Team Russia put up a strong fight, sending a group of Jewish housewives with experience cleaning for Passover. They swept the entire curling arena in a matter of minutes, and then shouted at their children for walking across the curling sheet in muddy shoes.
Instead, Team Canada collected gold, after sending a team of Jewish Accountants who spent hours figuring out exact angles and sums before each slide. They later apologized for the win.
The ice hockey competition was cancelled after an unfortunate incident when a group of Jews crosschecked a man and nailed him to the boards.
A new world record was set in the speed skating competition when Russian athlete Yakov Lulov heard that the KGB had rung his doorbell. He skated so fast that he landed in Brooklyn, New York, where he subsequently became a taxi driver/rocket engineer.
The Hasidic team from Boro Park opened the ceremony with a moving performance to the song “Moshiach Moshiach Moshiach” where they danced in a circle for an hour. They were followed by the Israeli team, who performed a Hora to the tune of “Hava Nagilah.”
The winner of the gold medal, however, was the Canadian team, who lifted a Bar Mitzvah boy on a chair for 12 minutes to the tune of Madonna’s “like a virgin.” Spectators were encouraged to throw candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy.
Are you crazy? You want me to get killed?
This spectacular event was won by a non-athlete. Musician Berl Gatkiss was innocently playing his fiddle on the roof of his hut when a slight breeze knocked over the frail Jew. He slid all the way down the mountain and was awarded the gold medal. When asked what he plans on doing with the medal, he responded, “marry off my three daughters, who are all single.”
The Biathlon is the toughest challenge of the Winter Olympics, wherein athletes must race on skis to platforms while carrying rifles, after which they must shoot down five targets.
Wladislaw Wruwrewczwewczky of Chelm, Poland took a quick lead in the cross country ski race after which he continued past the finish line and got shot in the face by a fellow Pole from Chelm.
The Iranian team were disqualified from the Biathlon after it was discovered that their guns had been upgraded to shoot heat-seeking SCUD missiles. Not one of their missiles hit a target.
The Jewish Winter Olympics closed with a magnificent performance by “Delilah Schwartzman,” dressed provocatively atop a mountain. However, her clothing infuriated the American Hasidim, who shoved her into a luge mid-performance, and sent her racing down the luge run, which featured some sloppy handiwork. Instead of speeding to the bottom of the mountain, she hit a large bump and sailed all the way over into a nuclear reactor near the town of Chernobyl.
And that was the first and last time anyone ever heard of a “Jewish winter Olympian.”
By Yaakov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer
Here are the top 5 Jewish tweets of the week. Yes, there are some funny Jews on that website your Bubby is trying to join.
DON’T YOU DARE GO OUT WITH THAT SHEIGETZ SUPERMAN!
Except for the Denver Jewish News.
This is just confusing.
How much saliva would Rabbi Soloveichuk chuck if Rabbi Soloveichuk could chuck saliva?
This is quite a profound tweet. After all, one must wonder: what happened to Jesus’ foreskin?
Benjamin Netanyahu is a proud Jew, a certain 10 on our Jewish Meter. He is a strong defender of Israel, walks on the Sabbath, and his son is a former winner of the International Bible Quiz. And what a Mentsch! Oy, if only he were a doctor. And single.
Unfortunately, some of those BDS losers momentarily hacked into his email account and took several screengrabs of sensitive information (such as the secret recipe that gives Israeli Hummus a flavour unlike any other in the world). Those hackers have since disappeared, and the emails mysteriously found their way into the hands of the Mossad.
Luckily, a Mossad agent leaked one of the screen grabs to one of the Jewbellish staff.
After several intense staff meetings, we finally beat him into submission and managed to procure this priceless screen grab, presented for the first time to our Jewbellish readers. Share the email, before it’s mysteriously taken down.
NOTE: To see the image in full size, click here.
By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish Staff Writer
Special thanks to Anne Franco