It’s Twitter Tuesday! Here are the five funniest Jewish tweets of the week, as selected by a panel of Alter Kockers.
Each Rabbi eventually succumbed to the pressure, and brought a suitcase full of knitted sweaters.
AKA the day we were forced to drink an entire bottle of milk.
This would be known as the “plague of darkness.”
They are only being pressured by all their neighbors who asking about you. I mean seriously, WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG??? YOUR COUSIN SHIRLEY IS ALREADY TRAINING HER DAUGHTER FOR A BAT MITZVAH!
What rhymes with Tuchiss?
Benjamin Netanyahu is a proud Jew, a certain 10 on our Jewish Meter. He is a strong defender of Israel, walks on the Sabbath, and his son is a former winner of the International Bible Quiz. And what a Mentsch! Oy, if only he were a doctor. And single.
Unfortunately, some of those BDS losers momentarily hacked into his email account and took several screengrabs of sensitive information (such as the secret recipe that gives Israeli Hummus a flavour unlike any other in the world). Those hackers have since disappeared, and the emails mysteriously found their way into the hands of the Mossad.
Luckily, a Mossad agent leaked one of the screen grabs to one of the Jewbellish staff.
After several intense staff meetings, we finally beat him into submission and managed to procure this priceless screen grab, presented for the first time to our Jewbellish readers. Share the email, before it’s mysteriously taken down.
NOTE: To see the image in full size, click here.
By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish Staff Writer
Special thanks to Anne Franco
What? you don’t know who David Arquette is?
He’s the guy who was married to Courtney Cox. Remember Courtney Cox Arquette? No? Does this toggle your memory?
Excellent. Now that we’ve established who he is, let’s find out how Jewish he is.
– His Dad was a Christian who converted to Islam – minus-10 points
– His mother was a Jew – 5 points
– He married a Gentile – minus-10 points
– The Gentile was Courtney Cox – 5 points
– He survived multiple stabbings as Deputy Dewey Riley in the Scream series – 4 points for Jewish survival instincts
– He won the WCW’s world heavyweight championship with a signature move called the “worm” – minus-7 for wrestling, 2 points for the name of his signature move
– Jennifer Aniston is his daughter’s godmother – 6 points for the kvelling
– His ex-wife is a shikse, but was a nice Jewish girl in “Friends” – 1 point for teaching her about bagels and cream cheese
– He had a Bar Mitzvah at the western wall – Only 6 points because he was 28 years too late
– He just ordered his own pair of Tefillin and took the following photo with them – 1 point because he forgot to put them on
TOTAL JEWBELLISH SCORE FOR DAVID ARQUETTE: 3 POINTS
By Perry Prokopenko
Photo Credit: Judaica Creations
Related: How Jewish is the royal baby?
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Auto-correct was invented without the Jewish tongue in mind. Here is a classic auto-correct Jewish horror story. Try to figure out what the words were before the auto-correct kicked in. (Answers at the end.)
The Legend of the Auto-Corrected Shabby Speech
Recently, Moshe Lefkowitz, the Rabbi of a small town in southern California, had to take a leave of absence after an unfortunate Mohel hazing incident, and sent his loyal congregants his weekly Shabbat speech by email using his lawyer’s iPhone. Unfortunately, in his haste, he forgot to turn off the auto-correct, and the following D’var Torah was read during the weekly Kiddush:
Stabbed salmon (1),
As you sit there enjoying your fertile (2) fish and cholesterol (3), allow me to share a few words with you from this week’s parrish (4), the Torah portion of catfish lach (5).
This week, we read about a dramatic encounter between Esau and brother tacos (6). Esau was a bit of a schnitzel (7) who wanted some of taco’s cholesterol. A question is asked by the holy radio (8), what was so great about a bowl of flies hog (9) that Esau was willing to give up his right as the firstborn son of its chalk (10) and Rebecca?
This reminds me of the time my shiver (11) told me that it’s my fault the children aren’t giving her nachos (12). I told that nudist (13) to go kitchen touches (14)!
Where was I? I’m all far clementine (15).
Ah, yes. Esau and tacos, and the question of why he would want to dress (16) a bowl of cholesterol over his rights as a firstborn?
And the answer lies in the book of Koran (17), where we see a man who thinks he’s a big moocher (18) and knows he’s in the wrong still face the wrath of hashed (19) for a few moments of experiencing the pleasure of power. What a masseur! (20)
As you sit there on your touches, ask yourself: would I rather eat cholesterol or do I want to be like tacos and value a bowl of flies hog like its bubbles? (21)
Mouse Leftovers (22)
1 = Shabbat Shalom
2 = Gefilte
3 = Cholent
4 = Parsha
5 = Vayishlach
6 = Yaacov
7 = Schnorrer
8 = Rashi
9 = Fleishig
10 = Itzchak
11 = Shviger
12 = Nachas
13 = Nudnik
14 = Kishen Tuchis
15 = Farklempt
16 = Fress
17 = Korach
18 = Mocher
19 = Hashem
20 = Mamzer
21 = Bubkis
22 = Moshe Lefkowitz
By Zvi Hershcovich, Jewbellish staff writer
Photo by Andy Myrick
President Barack Obama’s Jewbellish score just went up one point. Israel Today is reporting that the president’s brother-from-another-mother (literally) is Jewish. I guess no gentile family is perfect 😉
Barak Obama’s autobiography seems to be as complex as the president himself. Tzach Yoked, writing in Maariv this week, exposed to Israelis, perhaps for the first time, that among the American president’s eight half-brothers is one, Mark Obama Ndesandjo, who is Jewish.
Obama’s father had four wives – two Kenyan-born women and two white American women, the Christian mother of Barak Obama, Ann Duham, and the Jewish Mother of Mark Obama, Ruth Baker. Ruth was born to a Jewish family that immigrated to the United States from Lithuania. She married Obama Sr. in 1964 and moved to Kenya. Ruth divorced her husband after seven years of abusive marriage.
Though by no means religious, Mark Obama is proud of his Jewish identity. “My mother is a liberal person who did not keep the religious rituals,” he said. “However, she always taught me to be proud of the fact that I am Jewish … as far as I am concerned, the main aspect of my Jewish identity does not stem from performing the religious rituals and prayers, but out of a strong sense that I am Jewish. It is something that you simply feel, a strong sense of secular Jewish identity that my mother gave me … she is the woman who taught me what’s important in life, who helped me to understand Torah, taught me music, helped me with my studies.”
Mark Obama recounts that contrary to what President Obama has said, they first met in 1988, and not in 2007. Asked why the president hadn’t told the truth about their meeting, the Jewish sibling said his older brother was probably ill-advised by political advisers. Nevertheless, it would seem that Mark adores Barack, even though, as he claims, the president has failed to be in touch with his brother for several months now.
Mark Obama went on to marry Liu Xuehua and has been living in China for the last 12 years. He is an accomplished pianist and published the semi-autobiographical novel “Nairobi to Shenzhen: A Novel of Love in the East.”
Mark, who has adopted China as his home country, is a vivid testimony of the complexity of Jewish identity. Born to a black Muslim father and a white Jewish mother, raised in Kenya but educated in the United States, half-brother to a president whose own religious identity is far from clear, Mark Obama is no less Jewish than any other child born to a Jewish mother. If anything, he well represents the crisis of secular Judaism.
This form of Judaism, as can be found also in Israel, wants to maintain Jewish identity apart from the Jewish faith. In America, where society is overwhelmingly non-Jewish, secular Judaism is on the decline due to a high rate of intermarriage. If anything can be learned from it is, as Israeli President Shimon Peres said just recently, that as far as Jews are concerned, state and religion cannot be separated.