10 Jewish laws you need to know for Valentine's day

Recently, lost pages from the “code of Jewish ethics” were unearthed during an archaeological dig at the Vatican. We mistakenly downloaded them illegally off what was supposed to be a torrent of “the ten commandments” and are proud to present them for the very first time to the public.

Hilchot Valentine’s Day



1. The Midrash relates that four angels were sent to Abraham. The first angel, Gabriel, was broad and muscular. He had been sent to destroy the evil cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The second angel, Michael, was tall and solemn. He was sent to inform Abraham that he would have a child at the ripe age of 99. The third angel was scrawny and wore glasses. His name was Raphael, and he was there to toss healing potions at Abraham’s nether regions and to care for them until they recovered from the circumcision and were “resown with seedlings.” The fourth angel was a chubby baby named Valentine, sent to reignite the romance between Abraham and his wife, thereby ensuring the future birth of a child. From that day forward, ever since the birth of Isaac, people all over the world have celebrated Valentine’s Day as a day of love, rejoicing, and destroying cities we deem evil, such as Baghdad, Kabul, and Detroit.

2. Valentine’s Day is celebrated with the observance of four traditions. “Mishloach Manot” – the trading of gifts to at least two lovers. “Seudat Valentine’s Day” – the eating of a festive meal, if you know what we mean. “Matanot LaEvyonim” – Handing a gift card to your lover. “Kriyat HaMegillah” – the reading of the Valentine’s Day card, usually accompanied by the throwing of chocolate hearts and rose petals.

3. Being that Valentine’s Day is a joyful holiday, it is considered an auspicious time to fulfil the commandment of being fruitful and multiplying. Therefore, one who is meticulous in observing every law should study accordingly until he knows his wife several times. One should also dress in their very best on Valentine’s Day. Therefore, the Rabbis praise the man who brushes his Streimel, shakes his long cloak, and pulls on his prayer shawl vigorously.

4. There is an ancient tradition to cut a hole in a sheet on Valentine’s Day in order to remember the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. The hole should be circular, representing the fragility and continuity of life. According to Rabbi Shmuel HaKattan, the hole should not be larger than one cubit, since “size doesn’t matter.”

5. If Valentine’s Day falls out on Shabbat, the man and woman light candles together, after which the man must sing a poem composed by himself, Shakespeare, or Bruno Mars, to the tune of Aishet Chayil. The Challah should be in the shape of a heart, and the Shabbat meal should be eaten together with the festive Valentine’s Day meal, and include traditional Valentine’s Day meal foods such as chocolate hearts, strawberries, and edible garments.

6. Valentine’s Day is also known as the Rosh Hashana for matchmakers. Therefore, it is imperative that singles find someone to share a Gefen gluten free chicken noodle soup with. If one has no date for Valentine’s Day, he is permitted to get drunk, provided he does not burn down his ex girlfriend’s house. One may not hide in a tree and ‘pretend’ to be on a Valentine’s Day date with his ex girlfriend.

7. One may not give his lover a pre-written card. Rather, one should be careful to purchase a Valentine’s Day card with a clever limerick or romantic ode inside and enough space for one to add a personal message. Nonetheless, a righteous man writes the entire card in his own handwriting. Our sages said, he who writes a poem in his own handwriting is guaranteed a portion in the world, to come.

8. The Rabbis recommend a path of rose petals leading from the woman’s place of work all the way through the streets of your town and into a waiting bubble bath. He who cannot afford it is permitted to purchase twelve roses and place them on the pillow of her bed, together with a carefully worded love note. He who can not afford that is encouraged to travel to a graveyard, select the prettiest selection of flowers lying atop a fresh grave, and present it to his loved one.

9. If one forgot to say “I love you” on Valentine’s Day. If he remembered within the period of time that one may say “it’s not me, it’s you,” he may take three steps back, bow once, and then say very quickly, “I love you please don’t dump me on Valentine’s Day.” However, if he remembered too late, he is required to start Valentine’s Day all over from the beginning.

10. One who forgets Valentine’s Day entirely and only remembers on February 14, may rely on the opinion that Valentine’s Day is considered “Avodah Zara” (idolatry).


By Perry Prokopenko, Jewbellish staff writer

Jewbellish also asked for submissions to our Valentine’s Day laws on twitter, and here’s a small selection of answers.





Following is a list of Jewish Valentine’s Day traditions around the world.

Jews of Yemen like playing pranks on their loved one and send each other Valentine’s Day gifts by drone.

The woman of the religious Jewish community of Teaneck, New Jersey have a longstanding tradition to get their wigs done two days before Valentine’s Day.

In Israel, men demonstrate their love by swallowing sabras whole, cutting it out of their stomachs with their bayonets, then stitching themselves back up.

Chabad Rabbis are known to travel to remote corners of the world in order and hand out Valentine’s Day cards to every Jewish woman, in order to “spread the joy of the holiday.”

There is a Jewish tribe in the Amazon forest who are known to dress their babies as angels and have them shoot arrows at each passing airplane.

Jews in Florida celebrate a similar holiday to Valentine’s Day called VALIUMtine’s Day, where they complain about their grandkids and take lots of valium.

The Jewish community of China celebrates Valentine’s Day by eating the heart of a lamb, goat, chicken, duck, goose, turkey, and cow.


Tweets of the week: Sochi Rabbis, modern Passover, and Jew Detective

It’s Twitter Tuesday! Here are the five funniest Jewish tweets of the week, as selected by a panel of Alter Kockers.


Each Rabbi eventually succumbed to the pressure, and brought a suitcase full of knitted sweaters.


AKA the day we were forced to drink an entire bottle of milk.


This would be known as the “plague of darkness.”


They are only being pressured by all their neighbors who asking about you. I mean seriously, WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG??? YOUR COUSIN SHIRLEY IS ALREADY TRAINING HER DAUGHTER FOR A BAT MITZVAH!


What rhymes with Tuchiss?



How Jewish is Scarlett Johansson?

Scarlett Johansson is one Jew we are proud of. She recently quit her role as Oxfam ambassador due to their heavy criticism of SodaStream, an Israeli company located in settlements that actually employs Palestinians.

This would automatically guarantee Johansson’s Jewishness, but we delved a little deeper and here is what we found.

Her mother is an Ashkenazi Jew from the Bronx who fights for ethics and responsibility in Washington – 3 points

Melanie Sloan

Her grandmother speaks Yiddish and she observes Shabbat, Hanukkah, and Passover – 4 points

She is the new SodaStream ambassador, and in true Sabra fashion, takes a punch at Coke and Pepsi – 1 point

When Tom Cruise tried to convince her to become a Scientologist, she reportedly excused herself and walked out – 2 points


Conclusion: Scarlett Johansson is 100% Jewish, and a definite 10!




By JewBellish staff writer Perry Prokopenko

Related: How Jewish is Justin Bieber?

Related: How Jewish is David Arquette?

Related: How Jewish is the royal baby?


The Jewish Winter Olympics

Winter Olympics


The Winter Olympics have started, and the Americans who travelled to Russia are already Kvetching. “What’s wrong with these Sochi toilets?” “Did anyone bring an extra lightbulb?”

Where have we heard this before?

Ah, yes. The Jewish Winter Olympics.

I know what you’re thinking. “Jews? Sports? OLYMPICS?”

Yes. It is a historical fact that in 1986 the world’s only Jewish Winter Olympics took place in Anatevka, Russia. And it was a sensational disaster. During the opening ceremony, the near-sighted athlete carrying the Olympic torch mistakenly thought a tree was a Menorah and he lit it on fire. That is how the famed Uzbekistan forest became the desert it is today.

The competition featured some classic olympic challenges, as well as some uniquely Jewish ones. Let’s break down the competition and how the Olympians fared.

Trodging (a.k.a. walking two miles in the snow)

The opening game of the Jewish Winter Olympics featured every Olympian walking two miles in the snow. The finish line was the front doors of a school, where their principal “whipped them back into shape.”

The gold medal went to the Ethiopian team, who were more excited about seeing a school.

Schlopping (a.k.a. breaking ice for a Mikveh)

Contestants had to hop around stark naked armed with only a pickaxe, and cut a hole in the foot-thick ice, then climb in and perform the ritual immersion three times. A Rabbi standing on the side would then shout “KOSHER” and eat a frozen bagel with lox.

Chaye Soreh Grendelwald of Yakutsk, Siberia won the gold medal. Following her victory, she announced that “all grandmothers the world over were a part of my win, and carry the obligation of pretending that they had broken a hole in the ice to go to the Mikveh!”

Kveezing (a.k.a. Kvetching about the cold)

This event featured athletes who were so competitive, that they continued Kveezing even after their medals were awarded. Matter of fact, some of them Kveezed all through the entire winter Olympics, and one athlete, the gifted Kveezer Sholem Ber Bloomingpants of Hungary, Kveezed so much that the KGB sent him to perform manual labor in the South Pole. Unfortunately, Bloomingpants was a Lubavitcher, and instead of languishing in the tundra, he opened “a vibrant Synagogue and youth program” in Chabad of the Antarctic.

Plonking (a.k.a. fixing galoshes)

No, this wasn’t an Olympic event. Everyone’s galoshes needed fixing, because that’s all Jews did in Soviet Russia in the 80s. Wear galoshes. And fix galoshes.

The good old days.


Team USA sent their Hasidic team from Boro Park. Five sleek, bearded men. All bespectacled, and slightly hunched over. Their wives had packed tuna sandwiches, and they had brought their own custom bobsled (or as they preferred to call it, Baruchsled). The back of the bobsled was fitted with two double strollers, three carseats were stuffed into the middle of the bobsled, and a Hatzolah siren outfitted on its front.

The Hasidic team were on their way to setting a world record for speed, when one of their fur hats was swallowed by a starving Russian eagle. Toward the end of the run, a Hasidic spectator suffering from amnesia threw a rock at their Baruchsled, mistakenly thinking they were driving on Shabbes.

Instead, the gold medal was awarded to the Israeli team led by Nimrod Atari, a former Tzahal Air Force pilot, who sped through to the finish line. Unfortunately, his instincts also kicked in, and he rained missiles all over the track on his way down, disqualifying all the other teams and spraying several snowflakes on spectator Gloria Goldstein’s Gefilte fish spread. Ms Goldstein got her money back.


Team Russia put up a strong fight, sending a group of Jewish housewives with experience cleaning for Passover. They swept the entire curling arena in a matter of minutes, and then shouted at their children for walking across the curling sheet in muddy shoes.

Instead, Team Canada collected gold, after sending a team of Jewish Accountants who spent hours figuring out exact angles and sums before each slide. They later apologized for the win.

Ice hockey

The ice hockey competition was cancelled after an unfortunate incident when a group of Jews crosschecked a man and nailed him to the boards.

Speed skating

A new world record was set in the speed skating competition when Russian athlete Yakov Lulov heard that the KGB had rung his doorbell. He skated so fast that he landed in Brooklyn, New York, where he subsequently became a taxi driver/rocket engineer.

Figure skating

The Hasidic team from Boro Park opened the ceremony with a moving performance to the song “Moshiach Moshiach Moshiach” where they danced in a circle for an hour. They were followed by the Israeli team, who performed a Hora to the tune of “Hava Nagilah.”

The winner of the gold medal, however, was the Canadian team, who lifted a Bar Mitzvah boy on a chair for 12 minutes to the tune of Madonna’s “like a virgin.” Spectators were encouraged to throw candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy.


Are you crazy? You want me to get killed?

Alpine skiing

This spectacular event was won by a non-athlete. Musician Berl Gatkiss was innocently playing his fiddle on the roof of his hut when a slight breeze knocked over the frail Jew. He slid all the way down the mountain and was awarded the gold medal. When asked what he plans on doing with the medal, he responded, “marry off my three daughters, who are all single.”


The Biathlon is the toughest challenge of the Winter Olympics, wherein athletes must race on skis to platforms  while carrying rifles, after which they must shoot down five targets.

Wladislaw Wruwrewczwewczky of Chelm, Poland took a quick lead in the cross country ski race after which he continued past the finish line and got shot in the face by a fellow Pole from Chelm.

The Iranian team were disqualified from the Biathlon after it was discovered that their guns had been upgraded to shoot heat-seeking SCUD missiles. Not one of their missiles hit a target.

Closing ceremony

The Jewish Winter Olympics closed with a magnificent performance by “Delilah Schwartzman,” dressed provocatively atop a mountain. However, her clothing infuriated the American Hasidim, who shoved her into a luge mid-performance, and sent her racing down the luge run, which featured some sloppy handiwork. Instead of speeding to the bottom of the mountain, she hit a large bump and sailed all the way over into a nuclear reactor near the town of Chernobyl.

And that was the first and last time anyone ever heard of a “Jewish winter Olympian.”


By Yaakov Dubrow, Jewbellish staff writer

Tweets of the week: Lex Luthor, Gefilte fish, & an immortal Mohel

Here are the top 5 Jewish tweets of the week. Yes, there are some funny Jews on that website your Bubby is trying to join.




Except for the Denver Jewish News.


This is just confusing.


How much saliva would Rabbi Soloveichuk chuck if Rabbi Soloveichuk could chuck saliva?


This is quite a profound tweet. After all, one must wonder: what happened to Jesus’ foreskin?